One of our most important jobs as parents is to teach our children how to take care of themselves. How do we do that, though, when we can't even get them to pick up their socks?
Ashley warily eyed the control panel on the washing machine. She suspected that one false move might break the machine, cause bodily injury or---worse---ruin her favorite sweater. Ashley, a college freshman, had never done laundry by herself.
Ashley is a fictional character, but this scenario and others like it play out every fall in college dormitories throughout the United States.
One of our most important jobs as parents is to teach our children how to take care of themselves. How do we do that, though, when we can't even get them to pick up their socks?
Home Sweet Home
"When my kids were small, they didn't always help clean up, and I never used a job chart," said Stacey Nymeyer, mother of three. "But having a clean house was important to me, and it became important to the kids. When our house is clean, we're happy. We can find what we need, we can invite friends over without embarrassment and we just feel better.
"I always stressed the reasons for having a clean house over complicated chore charts. Anyone can figure out how to clean a room once they're motivated to do so."
So, if a clean house is a happy house, where do we start? And how do we turn that into a life lesson? Some do so by organizing the house so that everything has a proper place and insisting that all family members put things away. Adopting this approach will keep your house cleaner and teach children to appreciate order.
Children are easily overwhelmed by the task of cleaning a huge mess. When they're young, work with them to accomplish tasks and break jobs down into manageable steps, advises Marie-Nathalie Beaudoin, Ph.D., author of "The SKILL-ionaire in EVERY Child: Boosting Children's Socio-Emotional Skills Using the Latest in Brain Research."
Children are more willing to help if you give them simple directions, such as, "You put all the dinosaur toys in this box, and I'll put the crayons in the basket."
As children get older, offer them a choice of jobs and give them advance notice. Don't use chores as punishments or rewards, but rather as an opportunity to contribute to family life. If job charts and lists work for your kids, use them---as long as your approach is positive.
Relationships Rule
The weekly command to "clean your room" often results in slammed doors and hurt feelings. Ask yourself what children are really learning in these circumstances.
The most important point to remember, notes Dr. Joseph Shrand, instructor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, is that children learn best through positive role-modeling and encouragement. "If we are demeaned, we turn off, and so will our kids," Shrand said.
Many families have a family work date on Saturday mornings, followed by a fun activity. Plan your schedule so you accomplish chores together regularly. Perhaps you fold laundry together while you watch television one afternoon each week, or you spend 15 minutes picking up clutter before you go to bed.
Start these rituals when children are young, and consistently observe them. Children may balk sometimes and probably won't always perform their jobs perfectly, but with time they'll come to realize the value of contributing.
Express appreciation for your children's efforts, says Beaudoin, and give specific, positive feedback, such as, "I noticed how hard you worked on dusting the table. You kept going even though you wanted to play outside. Look how shiny and nice it looks now." Discuss the values you are trying to teach, such as hard work, determination and persistence.
The Big Picture
Teaching your kids responsibility may seem like an uphill battle, but they're absorbing more than you know. Nymeyer recalls a phone call she received from her college-age daughter. "Mom, I went to the grocery store, and I bought everything you buy," her daughter said. "Now what do I do with it?"
Nymeyer's daughter had never shown much interest in cooking at home, but when faced with learning to cook or subsisting on ramen noodles and beef jerky, she quickly mastered a few skills. Today, Nymeyer said, her daughter is the queen of stir-fry.
When your children leave for college or another endeavor, cooking, laundry and basic housekeeping skills suddenly gain new value. The child who never picked up his clothes may suddenly become a neat freak in his own apartment. The child who never seemed to listen to your instructions calls home frequently for advice, asking, for example, what kind of laundry detergent to buy and how to defrost chicken.
Parenting doesn't end when your child leaves home; you'll still have many opportunities to teach skills. When I recently asked my own daughter if she was getting enough fruits and vegetables at college, she complained that the big bunches of bananas the store sells turn brown before she can eat them all. I suggested that she break off two or three bananas from the bunch and just buy those.
She responded with the words every parent hopes to hear: "Wow, Mom, you're brilliant! What would I do without you?"
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